I’d been looking forward to today, Saturday, all week. A day that would be, “my” day.
An afternoon at the library or book store, just to relax, browse quietly, leisurely flip through books and magazines and even start making some headway on the growing list of post ideas I have not been able to work on the past few weeks.
Yesterday evening, bedtime goes well with my son. He’s tired and goes down fairly easily, this is a good sign.
This morning around 5am, he’s at my side of the bed, asking for my phone and wanting to listen to music.
Through the week, he gets up around 6:45am. WTF is going on here. I give him the phone and lay back down. From five to six thirty is on and off sleep in-between toddler requests and promises mommy will get up soon.
I get up and force my eyes to focus, feet to move, mind to function. I close the bedroom door so my husband can sleep.
Around noon, my husband and I discuss plans for the day since his car isn’t working. I forgot we were down to one car and suggest he and the toddler drop me off at the library for a few hours after I work out.
I go do 30 minutes of yoga, throw in some extra ab exercises at the end and almost fall asleep under the hot water in the shower after.
I tell my husband I’m exhausted and staying home if I can just stay in the bedroom alone and write.
It’s a deal only now I’m too tired and can’t focus. The ideas don’t come.
I am pissed. I feel robbed. Tears form as I try to think of how I can turn this situation around, find some good in it, not be angry.
I turn some music on and it helps but I can’t help feeling frustrated and sad. I have been looking forward to this day and having time to myself for two weeks and now I’m worthless from exhaustion.
I know I have it better than others, even in this moment. Somewhere right now, a mother of five is far more tired than I am and no where near the time alone I have right now. Somewhere, a mother has only slept a few hours the past few days, would love a hot shower and is nursing a newborn.
I know I should relax and surrender to the moment, to the circumstances, realize that I can’t control everything and some things just happen and I need to be flexible and stay present and calm.
Bad days don’t last, difficult moments come and go, shit happens. It’s all like passing weather, endlessly shifting and changing. I will figure out time to write, I will have the energy and ideas. Somehow things will work out.
But I am so sick of being too tired to do anything once I finally have the time.
Today is not “my” day as planned and what I had looked so forward to. And right now, it just plain sucks.