Saturday Confessions – Self Pitty and Passing Weather

I’d been looking forward to today, Saturday, all week. A day that would be, “my” day.

An afternoon at the library or book store, just to relax, browse quietly, leisurely flip through books and magazines and even start making some headway on the growing list of post ideas I have not been able to work on the past few weeks.

Yesterday evening, bedtime goes well with my son. He’s tired and goes down fairly easily, this is a good sign.

This morning around 5am, he’s at my side of the bed, asking for my phone and wanting to listen to music.

Through the week, he gets up around 6:45am. WTF is going on here. I give him the phone and lay back down. From five to six thirty is on and off sleep in-between toddler requests and promises mommy will get up soon.

I get up and force my eyes to focus, feet to move, mind to function. I close the bedroom door so my husband can sleep.

Around noon, my husband and I discuss plans for the day since his car isn’t working. I forgot we were down to one car and suggest he and the toddler drop me off at the library for a few hours after I work out.

I go do 30 minutes of yoga, throw in some extra ab exercises at the end and almost fall asleep under the hot water in the shower after.

I tell my husband I’m exhausted and staying home if I can just stay in the bedroom alone and write.

It’s a deal only now I’m too tired and can’t focus. The ideas don’t come.

I am pissed. I feel robbed. Tears form as I try to think of how I can turn this situation around, find some good in it, not be angry.

I turn some music on and it helps but I can’t help feeling frustrated and sad. I have been looking forward to this day and having time to myself for two weeks and now I’m worthless from exhaustion.

Tears fall.

I know I have it better than others, even in this moment. Somewhere right now, a mother of five is far more tired than I am and no where near the time alone I have right now. Somewhere, a mother has only slept a few hours the past few days, would love a hot shower and is nursing a newborn.

I know I should relax and surrender to the moment, to the circumstances, realize that I can’t control everything and some things just happen and I need to be flexible and stay present and calm.

Bad days don’t last, difficult moments come and go, shit happens. It’s all like passing weather, endlessly shifting and changing. I will figure out time to write, I will have the energy and ideas. Somehow things will work out.

But I am so sick of being too tired to do anything once I finally have the time.

Today is not “my” day as planned and what I had looked so forward to. And right now, it just plain sucks.

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10 thoughts on “Saturday Confessions – Self Pitty and Passing Weather

    • Thanks Robbie! I try to keep things positive and don’t think I’ve vented much on this blog in the past but….I am human :) Hoping others can understand as well. Thanks so much for reading.

  1. I know exactly what you mean. I gets so frustrated and overwhelmed to the point of tears with just one child and then I see my cousin with 4 and she is still happy as can be. I fell like such a jerk.

    • Yes – me too! I was so torn, honestly frustrated and sad but also feeling guilty about how upset I was getting when really, things could be a lot harder. I think just being a mom in general is not always easy and some days are just bad and get you down, no matter how many kids or what your situation is. Thanks so much for reading Ariel!

  2. A bad day is a bad day no matter what your circumstances are. There will always be someone worse than you but that doesn’t mean that you are not entitled to feel crappy about not having things go your way.
    Bad days suck.
    And I’m sorry that it didn’t pan out the way you had hoped. But you are right, they do pass.
    xoxo

    • Kim, you just made my whole day better with this comment :) Thank you so much for understanding. I feel guilty at times or am hesitant to share some of these moments here but I agree, some days just suck, get you down and it’s ok to feel sad or upset about it. Thank you so much for reading and the kind comment!

    • Thank you so much Carinn! I can’t tell you how much it helps just to know you understand, I was nervous after I hit “publish” on this one! The rest of the weekend was a little better and today has been a much better day :) I struggle so much with issues about having enough time for things but I know that’s pretty normal for all moms. Thank you so much for reading!

  3. Bet Sunday was an unexpected surprise :) I have now given up on time alone. It is always a huge let down. I have learned to steal an hour from our continuous time together with my 4 YO. Legos are my secret. And I just tell him to please play alone because like when he doesn’t want me to bother him when he is watching his documentaries I can not have him bother me while I edit photos…

    • That sounds like a good plan with the legos! It is completely a huge let down so I think that is the key, you do have to kind of stop counting on time alone and just learn ways to use the time you have day to day. Thanks so much for reading Stasha!

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