I have been absent.
I’ve missed this blog and writing and the connection I feel with so many of you, but I have been absent.
The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of drama, soul searching, insomnia, sadness, panic attacks, miscommunications, misunderstandings, cruelty, worry, fear, stress and heartbreak.
Family stuff, relationship stuff, kids stuff, money, future…….life stuff.
In this overwhelming tornado whirling around me, much of the time I felt like I was operating purely in a survival mode. Picking myself up again became a harder and harder feat but every morning I woke up breathing and my son needed breakfast and life went on.
But inside, I feel ripped down to the core of myself, forced to go deep and stare in to the heart of the darkness surrounding and of my own.
And every single time I’d start to recover, feel good again, regain a sense of hope or at least normalcy, the rug was ripped out from under me. I wouldn’t see it coming, I’d fall flat on my face and then beat myself up for stumbling so awkwardly and being so unprepared and continuing to let my guard down.
It’s so exhausting, being torn down over and over. After a while, It’s not safe to feel good so you just go numb or get lost in worry or fogs of sadness.
More soul searching and looking for the lessons. There are some for sure. New awareness, realizations and work toward change and better and happier – everything.
I am one who is always craving peace, always wanting calm, clinging to optimism and believing in the power of hope and good intentions and love.
I feel like I’m not built to battle these storms but maybe that’s why I’m passing through them now.
Life is suffering, the Buddha’s first noble truth.
And not that I haven’t been through enough already but maybe I just forgot, became too complacent or lazy or numb.
Maybe it’s a wake up call, a call to rally, a call to make tough but necessary changes for things to come.
Maybe it’s a hard shove from the back of an elbow to be better, be tougher, discover new layers of who I am and what I’m really made of.
Honestly, it feels against my nature. It causes internal turmoil, the last thing I need.
Maybe it’s just for me to accept and open to. Peacefully surrender to the chaos and pain I work so hard to avoid and distance myself from.
And finally start mastering the balance of moving forward with an open heart while reach down deep and embracing the strength and confidence that somehow got buried and lost along this part of my journey in life. Loving kindness for others and self, coexisting in peace.
I have been absent. But I’m ready to return, a little broken still but stronger and wiser too.