In My Absence

I have been absent.

I’ve missed this blog and writing and the connection I feel with so many of you, but I have been absent.

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of drama, soul searching, insomnia, sadness, panic attacks, miscommunications, misunderstandings, cruelty, worry, fear, stress and heartbreak.

Family stuff, relationship stuff, kids stuff, money, future…….life stuff.

In this overwhelming tornado whirling around me, much of the time I felt like I was operating purely in a survival mode. Picking myself up again became a harder and harder feat but every morning I woke up breathing and my son needed breakfast and life went on.

But inside, I feel ripped down to the core of myself, forced to go deep and stare in to the heart of the darkness surrounding and of my own.

And every single time I’d start to recover, feel good again, regain a sense of hope or at least normalcy, the rug was ripped out from under me. I wouldn’t see it coming, I’d fall flat on my face and then beat myself up for stumbling so awkwardly and being so unprepared and continuing to let my guard down.

It’s so exhausting, being torn down over and over. After a while, It’s not safe to feel good so you just go numb or get lost in worry or fogs of sadness.

More soul searching and looking for the lessons. There are some for sure. New awareness, realizations and work toward change and better and happier – everything.

I am one who is always craving peace, always wanting calm, clinging to optimism and believing in the power of hope and good intentions and love.

I feel like I’m not built to battle these storms but maybe that’s why I’m passing through them now.

Life is suffering, the Buddha’s first noble truth.

And not that I haven’t been through enough already but maybe I just forgot, became too complacent or lazy or numb.

Maybe it’s a wake up call, a call to rally, a call to make tough but necessary changes for things to come.

Maybe it’s a hard shove from the back of an elbow to be better, be tougher, discover new layers of who I am and what I’m really made of.

Honestly, it feels against my nature. It causes internal turmoil, the last thing I need.

Maybe it’s just for me to accept and open to. Peacefully surrender to the chaos and pain I work so hard to avoid and distance myself from.

And finally start mastering the balance of moving forward with an open heart while reach down deep and embracing the strength and confidence that somehow got buried and lost along this part of my journey in life. Loving kindness for others and self, coexisting in peace.

I have been absent. But I’m ready to return, a little broken still but stronger and wiser too.

8 thoughts on “In My Absence

  1. I have been thinking of this post all day. There are so many layers. I can certainly relate to that feeling of being knocked down and every time you try to get up, something else pulls you down. You can’t get your footing. And every time you slip, you fall deeper into misery. So been there.

    I also know what it’s like to feel like you aren’t cut out to deal with everything that life throws at you but at the same time believing that life doesn’t give us more than we can handle.

    I am also thinking about how you said “life is suffering” but I know the Buddha truth to be that everyone encounters suffering in their lives. Now maybe you chose your words without the weight I am giving them, but it makes me think of that song lyric where you “bleed just to know you’re alive”.

    My understanding is that buddhism teaches us to let go. If we identify with the actual suffering, we take it on in a whole new way. Give it way more power than it deserves. Instead, we should accept that suffering is inevitable and it doesn’t mean we are cursed or ruined or not worthy of good thing. Suffering happens to everyone. It passes.

    Does that make any sense? I’m not sure it does as I’ve been thinking about it all day. And even if it makes sense I’m not sure what it really means for either of us :)

    Just wanted to share. Your posts always move me.

    • Thank you so much Carinn! These are great comments and I believe are right about the Buddhist understanding of suffering (as I understand it as well). Suffering happens to everyone, it does not mean you are cursed or not worthy of good things and most importantly – it passes. That is something I try to remind myself of when things feel so bad and overwhelming, I think when I am stuck so far down in the mud, emotionally and mentally, it’s hard to completely accept and to remember. So in this post, I think I was trying to change my views a little because as much as I try to stay away from drama and confrontations and negative stuff, sometimes it’s just a part of life you have to learn to deal with. There are really good times and really bad times, we live through it all. I think this post was a part of my climbing my way up and starting to feel ok again. All I know is, I immediately felt “lighter” once I got it all out. Thank you so much for reading and thinking so much about this one and for sharing this great insight and understanding :)

  2. I was wondering where you’ve been. I too can relate to just barely getting back up again only to have everything come crashing back down. I’ll be thinking of you.

    • Thank you Robbie, for reading and thinking of me. I thought summer was suppose to be fun and relaxing – haha! Not this year :)

  3. I am sorry you have been suffering, but really, Anna, this post is so beautiful. I wish I would have read it sooner. I wish, I wish I could take it all away. But….the brokenness, I like to think of as just the opposite…it’s you coming together in a new way…change and growth hurts…*sigh* that’s the part I wish I could take away, or hold you through until you get to the other side…And there is always integrating the new experiences…so much in my head…not being very articulate. Hang on…you are loved so very much.

    I missed you. I think of you every single day.

    • Thank you so much Kim and actually, you are completely right. I didn’t expect it at all but a lot of what has come out of this time for me has been coming together in a new way. Stronger, wiser and better but wow, you are not kidding about change and growth being painful. There have been some lessons and some good coming out of it for sure, it’s just hard to see when you feel like you can’t get your head above water. Thank you so much for reading, for the great insight and always for your kindness.

  4. It is exhausting. And defeating. But you’re not alone – and neither am I. Fall will be here soon.

    • Thanks so much Allie – I am SO looking forward to fall! All hte drama and stress is exhausting for sure but you are right, we are not alone. Very true and a good reminder. Thank you so much for reading :)

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