Last week was a true challenge. Actually, it was stressful, scary, difficult and exhausting. Things were really hard. It sucked.
I’m pretty good about looking for the lessons in things, especially in the difficult moments but sometimes I do want to ask, “Why so rough, life? Do you really have to slap me around like that? Have I not been seeing what you wanted me to see for so long you’ve lost patience? I thought we were kind of friends!”
A friend of mine always says, you will keep being presented with the same lessons over and over until you learn what you need to and grow from them.
I know there are situations I have to learn how to handle, no more avoiding. But it’s not easy and doesn’t always feel good. Last week, it felt like growing pains. Or in the words of Sade, it hurt like brand new shoes.
Hi, my name is Anna and I hate dealing with conflict and confrontation. I like feeling good and making others happy as well if I can. I don’t like being really upset and angry or dealing with other people who are angry but sometimes you just have no choice. And, I have trouble figuring out how to not be a doormat but also not be a total bitch.
Last week I had an encounter that was completely unacceptable and out of line, both in what was said and the way it was said to me. I could not let it go. So I spoke with the person directly, said my piece, and got things resolved.
Sounds pretty good, right? I suppose it is but it was gut-wrenching for me in the process. But I put on my big girl panties, walked through it and came out fine. Sometimes just making it through something from beginning to end and seeing the world didn’t end is a lesson in itself and definitely brings confidence and solace. I may never like dealing with these situations but maybe I’ll get more comfortable, knowing I can handle myself appropriately, being firm but kind and not feel helpless or upset. Boom.
And the thing about the potty…
We started potty training last week, for real potty training. My son has resisted all attempts for over a year now and at the advice of our pediatrician, we decided not to push it and let him go at his own pace. I am so much more comfortable with this, let things happen naturally without forcing. Unfortunately, preschool does not see the situation in the same light so I agreed to start pushing it.
I hate this process and so does my son. He is physically ready, it’s all behavioral so he’s holding it for hours at times, although he has gone successfully in the potty several times now. It’s exhausting and I am constantly doubting myself.
Since we are still in the middle of this one, I am not sure of the lesson here except maybe to trust myself more and learn to be ok in uncomfortable situations? I’m wondering if my son will learn this as well.
And worrying about money…
I’ve been looking for part time work for a while now. I finally got called for an interview and was really excited. I got all dressed up (in my most uncomfortable dress), answered questions without a problem, felt things went well and was overjoyed. The day came and went when I was told the position would be decided upon. No call. I followed up, no return call. It’s been a week.
I was disappointed, but then really sad. Because in my mind, I already had the job. I had already re-worked out household budget with my non existent income. I was already putting plans in motion that weren’t real. Don’t count your chicken before they’re hatched? Don’t get caught up in fantasy, count heavily on what you don’t really have and in this economy, know it could take many, many interviews to actually land a job. Most importantly, one day to grieve and pout, then just keep swimming – no giving up.
Ok life, lessons learned. I’ve battled through, done my homework, turned in extra credit and slept with my text books by the bed every night. Think you can let up just a little bit now?
Today, I needed to run to Target after dropping my son off at preschool, then hustle back home so I’d have time to work out before I had to pick him up (preschool in only for a few hours in the morning). As I took the off ramp and slowed to stop at a red light, my car would not go in to gear. Any gear. I could not back up or go forward. I turned on the hazards as the cars behind me starting honking like crazy, changing lanes and zooming around me. It took 4 calls to my husband and a text to finally reach him (since I learned we didn’t have emergency road side assistance on our car insurance).
Nothing for the rest of the day worked out. I forgot something I really needed at the store and had to make a second stop. Since I was already way behind the schedule I’d set up for myself, I had to skip yoga today. The toddler was not great this afternoon. I felt like poop.
So, maybe this is just life for now. Maybe I have lots more to learn or maybe cars break and it sets off events like dominoes.
I can’t say yet, I just know I’m exhausted and hope the merry go-round slows down soon or at least I win a prize at this carnival my life seems to be at the moment.
Here’s a video of Sade singing the song I referenced above. She, and this song, is simply incredible. Also a great reminder that my fears and problems really aren’t much at all.