I’m usually behind on celebrity gossip so I’m sure you’ve already heard all the hoopla about Halle Berry expecting baby number two. “So what’s the big deal” is what I was thinking until I read that she is 46 years old!

Yowza sister!

But the thing I’ve been wondering about is, if others take issue or have any opinion about her unmarried status.

As early on as I can remember, I always pictured myself as a mother. I never had any doubts that it was a part of what I wanted and who I was suppose to be. For some time, I pictured myself with many children, living in a happy, loving relationship.

But not married. That part I could not even imagine. I also thought and felt, it didn’t matter and wasn’t something I needed.

Rolling Goldie Hawn – Kurt Russell style, that’s what I used to say anyway.

To my own surprise, I did end up getting married. I’ve actually done it twice now. The first time, at the court house. The second time, in a beautiful backyard ceremony.

Hopefully I will never have to consider this in reality but I don’t think there would ever be a third time for me. It just doesn’t feel right.

Halle Berry has also married twice and was also pretty young the first time around. Since she is famous and we all know way too much about the personal lives of actors, I know she’s had some rough times with men. I know she’s been deeply hurt as well as cheated on. And who knows, she has probably dished out her share of heartache as well. Haven’t we all?

So I can understand her falling in love, being happy, having children and not getting married. Maybe someday she will but if not, I totally get it and don’t think there is anything wrong with it.

The bottom line for me has always been, the person and relationship I’m in is far more important than ceremonies or rituals.

I do understand and have respect for the sanctity of marriage but have never completely understood all the pressure around it.

Because I also believe, marriage is a promise, not a guarantee.

It’s a public declaration as well as a serious vow of commitment between two people but it does not mean if you get married, it will be forever and everything will work out great and you’ll never be hurt or have bad times.

Maybe that’s why 50% of married couples today end up divorced. (Don’t quote me but I think that’s the statistic I heard).

Maybe we need to be talking more about the real deal with marriage and relationships in general instead of watching young women bridezilla their friends and families, freak out about having the most expensive and lavish dress/ceremony/flowers, etc. and then suffer through shock, dismay, blame and denial once the honeymoon is over and shit gets real.

I loved my second wedding and did have moments of stress and nervousness around all the planning and preparation but always in the back of mind, I knew none of it really mattered and wasn’t going to last. What was important was my husband and what we had between us.

I hope Halle has found someone awesome this time around. I hope they can treat each other with respect, kindness, consideration and truly love and cherish each other and the family they will have together.

For this to happen, it will be a matter of character, hearts and will. Getting married will just be icing on cake.

Sometimes when you’re really thinking about something, have a strong intention or are struggling with a decision, signs appear.

That’s kind of what I thought of when I picked up a new yoga magazine and was drawn to the above image and message.

A few days later, I was at Do You Yoga and saw this:

30-Day Yoga Challenge with Erin Motz
Free online video yoga classes for 30 days. Sent directly to your email inbox.

Ok universe, I get it.

I have been putting a lot of energy in this direction because I know I really need to get back on track with yoga and will love it but now that I’m faced with the opportunity – yikes!

Because now, my pesky fears and insecurities start up with all the excuses, I mean “reasons” why I can’t do a challenge like this:

1. Getting up super early to work out is really, really hard!
2. You’ll never be able to stick with it and the first day you miss, you’ll just give up.
3. There’s no time! When are you going to have time? True Blood Season 5 comes out on video in a week or so, you know you’re going to spend some long nights, marathon watching and then you really won’t be able to get up in the morning.
4. You just can’t do it. You will fail

Wow, there’s some unsupportive, negative and unkind self talk. I wouldn’t say any of those things to a friend who told me they wanted to get in shape and try this kind of yoga challenge. Not ok sub-conscience, not ok.

Now, let’s see what’s actually even true:

1. I have to say, there is some fact behind this one. Some nights I don’t get home from work until 10 or 11pm and by the time I get to bed, it is late and I’m wiped out. My son still doesn’t sleep through the night sometimes. But nothing is impossible. I’ve done the early mornings thing before and I CAN do it again.
2. I probably need to make some kind of deal with myself because I will feel like a failure and want to give up the first time something comes up and I miss a session but part of the practice of yoga is letting go of ego, of perfectionism and of judgment of others and self. Life will happen, to keep going is what really counts.
3. True, time is a challenge. Nicely played inner critic. But I can learn to manage my time.
4. Wow, what I ever do to you? So uncool. Can we be a little more loving than that?

Because really, there are SO many benefits to developing a daily practice of yoga – or any exercise you like!

• Reduces stress and helps you manage daily ups and downs better
• Provides a sense of calm and a mental “time out”, similar to the effects of meditation
• It’s a free, natural anti-depressant
• Lowers blood pressure and heart rate
• You get toned from top to bottom
• Feel better in your body
• Sleep better
• Improved posture and confidence

I even wrote a post about how yoga makes you a better mom and I’ve written plenty of other posts on how awesome it makes you feel as well as how important stress management and exercise is for your overall health.

As I mentioned in Habits, the timeline to create a new habit varies for people, sometimes depending on what you want to do but starting with very small changes and celebrating your efforts is the path to success.

I am still undecided about whether or not I will formally take on a month long yoga challenge although I do think it could be the perfect kick start I need. Because once I get in the habit on a regular basis, I crave it. I will make the time and I feel better and happier for it.

I do feel more ready to work yoga back in to my daily routine though and as the signs keep coming, I’m more and more sure, this is one the path I need to take.

I realized this morning as I looked at my son’s calendar that today marks the last full week of school before summer break begins.

Gulp.

Time seems to be moving at light speed lately, I guess that’s how the end of the school year was able to sneak right up that way. Needless to say, I don’t feel ready for summer and I am nervous about how to keep Lou busy, entertained and happy for the next three months.

Wait – three months? I have to check those numbers. Can that be right? I’m going to need an assistant. Can moms get assistants? Ok, I mean moms that can’t afford real nannies or assistants.

Sigh.

We really feel in love with preschool this year, both my son and myself. It’s only a half day for three days a week but wow, how sweet it has been.

He got tons of socialization, self confidence, made friends, played and learned so much. He has seemed so much happier, proud of his own growth as well as thriving in the structure of school and his own accomplishments.

I think this is at least part of what I’m nervous about. Figuring out how to keep enough structure and routine and provide things to do during this vacation time while still allowing the free time and play and lazy days that I think are good for all of us as well.

We go to the library once a week and read books together every day, that won’t change. I take him to parks and play areas but the same old things get boring. I am not a teacher. I suck at crafts, big time. He still gets nervous around too many kids he doesn’t know and is not always open to new experiences. Any time I mention swimming or going to a pool, he bolts.

I suppose it’ll be a bit of a process for both of us at first until we hopefully, hit a comfortable stride. I’ll try to play to our strength and likes and what we are comfortable with and go from there.

One more week and two days left and a new adventure begins.

Gulp.

Right now, I’m really glad I’m at my computer working on this post.

But I also don’t want to be here. I really want to be sitting on the couch or propped up in bed, reading the new book I got today.

I know this sounds weird, please allow me to explain.

Since the beginning of the year, something has been off. I have not been writing very much and in fact, have not felt like doing anything, especially in the evenings which is some of the only free time I have, so I’ve been trying to figure out the cause.

Then today I stopped by Sperk* and read her latest post, Off The Cuff.

Kim at Sperk* is beautiful, intelligent and deeply insightful. Reading her talk about being stuck in old behaviors kind of made things click for me.

I was extremely sick for almost the entire month of December and spend most of my time in bed, drinking hot tea and reading a book and/or ebook. The times I was able to sit up and just read for a while were some of the only times I felt better or at least, got some relief.

Once I was well, I kept trying to get back to some of the normal activities I loved and looked forward to but kept feeling stuck, especially when it came to writing. It’s been very off and on.

Then, last month, our whole family got hit with the flu. It was bad. Really bad.

Once again, I was back in bed, too sick to even watch tv but I could drink tea and occasionally read.

I didn’t realize the strong habit that was forming.

Please understand, I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with relaxing and getting lost in a good book. I will be reading later on this evening, I can assure you.

But I really do want to get back to writing. I have an idea for a short story, a book idea and a few more blog posts. It’s the will and the desire I’m lacking.

I am out of the habit.

Earlier today I Googled, “how many days does it take to make a new habit”. What I had always heard was, after a few weeks of repetition, things begin to become ingrained and a habit is formed. However, what I found today were several articles stating the 21 day rule is a myth.

From what I read (ok, skimmed at times), it sounds like the timeline to create a new habit varies for people, sometimes depending on what you want to do but starting with very small changes and celebrating your efforts is the path to success.

So tonight, after I read my son his bedtime stories, I went to the kitchen and made my tea and then came into my “office” to sit at the computer and write instead of landing on the couch with my iPhone and book.

It’s embarrassing to admit but it’s uncomfortable, sitting here, writing this. But it’s only day one.

Change is hard. It is uncomfortable. It takes effort but also requires some ease from within. If I can relax and accept what this feels like, just breath and be and not run from it, that’s a success in itself.

Nothing is permanent, everything is changing all the time, even us. We can create the habits we want to see in our lives.

My hope is simply that this will help me sit more and get some of my ideas out. I hope it helps me devote more time to this blog and also to some of my other ideas.

For now, my goal is just to stay calm and write something.

Next challenge – getting back to a regular schedule with yoga!

I was flipping through a magazine while waiting in line at the grocery store the other day and saw yet another article on women and “having it all”. Nope, I didn’t read it. Because I can’t stand this debate or any more of these articles.

My issue is, isn’t “having it all” a completely personal and individual thing? Don’t we all have our own goals and ideals? And even just different things in life that make us happy? What might be a dream situation to me could make someone else completely miserable and vice versa.

The other thing is, I feel like some of these articles can add to setting yet another impossible standard and making women feel like they are not doing enough, achieving enough, being enough, etc.

Is there something always lacking?

I don’t know about that but I do believe the picture of perfect portrayed a lot of times is bullshit.

My twenties and early thirties were spent working full time in various corporate environments. As a struggling single mom, I was fortunate to have a good paying, stable job. It was an important job, I had full medical coverage and worked my way up over several years to making a good salary.

Looking back on that time, I appreciate my past career and how I was able to support myself and my son, even taking him on vacations every few years. But I was also miserable, depressed, lonely, stressed out and plagued with health problems from panic attacks to ulcers.

Fast forward to today. The picture at the top of this blog is the spare bedroom I keep trying to use as my “office”. If you look closely behind the colorful cones, Lincon logs and various scattered toys, there is my little desk and laptop in the back there.

Some days this really annoys me. Some days I don’t even get a chance to use this room at all while my son is awake. I currently work part time for just above minimum wage and write for free for my blog and a few other online publications. I can’t afford to take my son on vacation.

But I have no ulcers, no panic attacks, no problems sleeping. I don’t dread my job and I feel needed and loved by my little family. Some days are hard. My husband gets stressed about money and wishes I had another big corporate job and I feel bad about how little money I make. Some days at home, I feel burned out and unappreciated and I’m just sick of doing the same old stuff around the house. And some days I get to sleep in and can usually find ways to slip in yoga, even if I don’t get up before everyone else.

So at which point do I have it all? Or have I ever?

I wonder what that article would have considered success, what I would need to be crushing it in life. Happiness and love or money and big, important job. I guess at no time have I been a success because if it’s like the other pieces I’ve read, we are suppose to have all of those things and manage them effortlessly.

My opinion is, in any situation, however you are living, perfect doesn’t exist. There will be ups and downs, good times and times that really suck. Problems will come up that are not easy to fix and make everyone happy. Money will still come and go and so will unexpected bills.

For me right now, no ulcers, no panic attacks and no problems sleeping is huge. I don’t dread my job and I feel needed and loved by my little family – again, huge.

And I know this time, these circumstances won’t last forever. Nothing does. Everything around us and in fact, we ourselves are always in motion, always changing. My little one will be in school all day soon. Another full time career and more money could be in the near future.

For now, my messy home office and being here for my family feels like where I’m suppose to be. That doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with that either. And it doesn’t mean everyday is sunshine and rainbows.

If you’re doing something you love, if you are in a place that feels right to you, isn’t that alone success? Love, happiness and a sense of peace IS having it all for me right now, stepping over toys and all.

that all circumstances might serve the awakening of wisdom and compassion.

All circumstances – the good, the bad and the ugly. The days when you can hardly drag yourself out of bed, the times when you just want to cry or punch someone in the face and the days when you can’t remember if you’ve ever laughed so hard or felt so happy.

Serving the awakening of wisdom and compassion.

What a thing to strive for. Hard enough just concentrating on yourself, now put this in the context of a marriage or serious relationship. Yowza!

It resonated with me, that’s for sure. And another reminder of what a padawan I continue to be because I’m not even close to this much of the time but I love when I find these kinds of reminders. A beautiful intention, something so worth while to work toward.

Especially while I’m feeling off off track and lopsided and not quite myself.

Because I could hardly believe it after “the respiratory infection that stole pre-Christmas” just a few months ago, but the flu just took our whole family down for over a week. We are just now all fully recovered. Even my husband got sick and I used to call him unbreakable because he never, ever gets sick!

Now that I am feeling better, I really appreciate being able to eat and have food taste good.
I appreciate being able to sleep comfortably and that breathing no longer burns the inside of my nose.
I appreciate my back not hurting and having enough energy to shower.

It was a really bad flu.

But it also taught me that I have to be able to ask for help when I’m sick, something I really hate doing. And I so appreciated my son’s willingness or need to just stay in bed next to me for several days, watch cartoons and nap while we waiting for things to pass and our bodies to recover.

Now that my body seems to be getting back to normal, it’s just me that still feels a little “off” and is struggling to get back to a normal routine.

So maybe even this suffering spurned a little wisdom and compassion.
And definitely an appreciation for feeling well.

Love Every Bit Of Yourself

For the past few weeks, there has been a big increase in activity in the formal dress department at work due to all the school proms coming up.

Although it’s a lot of work, I’ve enjoyed working these departments. The dressing rooms get trashed and you have triple the amount of clothes to straighten, hang and get back out on the floor but it’s been really fun watching these girls come in and model dresses for their parent, friends and selves. Even better, the look on their face when they walk up to the counter with “the one” slung over their arm, ready to make the big purchase.

One of the happier things that surprised me from the shifts I’ve worked so far is the amount of fathers bringing their daughters, patiently waiting on big couches outside the dressing rooms and the kindness of some of the comments I would overhear as they gave fatherly opinions or even vetoed a dress as soon as they saw it.

I know what some of them were thinking, “Yea, I remember when I was a teenage boy and you are not wearing that dress!” aka too short, too revealing, etc. I don’t blame them at all.

It almost brought tears to my eyes, hearing one of the dads I had been helping earlier, when he reminded his daughter, “we have plenty of time. Remember, you need to really love it.” Mind you, this was after the sixth or seventh dress she tried on. My own heart swelled.

Unfortunately, the other things I heard were far less happy, loving or kind and came from the girls themselves.

“I’m too fat for this.”

“I look terrible.”

“My hips are huge!”

These were beautiful, young, athletic, fit girls. Even if they weren’t, I would have still been saddened by these comments…but they were.

At the register, it really hit home for me when a group of three girls approached. One had a dress she was asking me to hold so she could bring her mom back later to see it. They were all kind of talking among themselves and I heard the girl next to her saying “my thighs are so fat, I have to go to the gym every day, I could never wear that.”

Please know, I spend a lot of time at work biting my tongue. I try to be very thoughtful and make sure my words are both appropriate and nice because I am at work after all and need to be professional but in this case, the look on my face gave me away and I decided to take a chance and speak up anyway.

“You are absolutely not fat.” I said looking straight at the girl. Then I turned and looked at all three. “You guys have absolutely nothing to worry about, please believe me. You are beautiful!”

I held back on the next few words that came in to my head because they were not kind and the irony was not lost on me. I almost told them, they had many years ahead as an adult to worry about their weight or how big their thighs were and just wait until after they had kids.

Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with me?

The young, very skinny girl looked back at me and stuck a knife right in my heart. But it was the best thing she could have done, it was just the wake up call I needed.

“Look at you, I wish I was as skinny as you. I could never even wear those pants.” She said and the knife slid right in. Because as soon as she said it, I remembered how much I’d fussed and worried about wearing the pants I had on and made sure I had a very stylishly long shirt to cover what I thought were MY fat thighs.

OMFG.

That was it, the girls walked away but they stayed with me all that night and still do today.

Why are we so willing, so eager, to put ourselves down? To only see what we think as the flaws instead of all the beauty. To only want change instead of seeing what we truly have.

And who the hell did I think I was, trying to school them on it when I was feeling no different about myself.

Is this a legacy I’m contributing to? Passing it on or condoning this somehow by treating myself the same way? If so, I’m ready to stop.

Each day since, I’ve made a real effort to look in the mirror and think or say something positive. If my husband tells me I look beautiful, I hold my head up and say thank you instead of laughing and looking away thinking, he must be crazy. I have to change the way I think about and treat myself and hopefully, I can pass that love, respect and acceptance on to others.

It’s not easy, honestly it’s a challenge and I’m not proud to admit that.

But I’m working on getting rid of fear and growing a bit anyway so in a way, I can see all these things kind of swirling around, coming together in interesting and necessary ways.

I believe there are still a few weeks before prom. I hope I get the opportunity to work with more lovely young women, looking for that dress that makes them feel beautiful and special. And I hope I get the chance to let them know how beautiful and special they really are.

This month, my post for DoYouYoga is about one of my favorite terminologies used in yoga for lifting your front body and depending on the pose, rotating forward: open your heart.

I wrote about how moving through poses like cobra, up dog and triangle pose with the intention to open and lift your heart not only assists with understanding the physical alignment of the poses but takes us to a deeper place of intention.

Just as being hunched over or feeling closed off is going to make it much more difficult to get fully in to many yoga asanas, feeling this way often has the same effect on us in our daily life. Things seem harder, heaver and far more serious than they sometimes are or need to be.

What I didn’t write about was how difficult this can be, especially off the mat.

Moving through life with an open heart can feel beautiful, light and empowering.

It can also feel scary, vulnerable and even foolish at times.

Don’t we all have past hurts, trust issues and feel haunted by failures or betrayals? Just walking through our daily life with an open heart can take a lot of effort but even more bravery, trust and faith.

Effort and bravery because being so open can make it really hard to block things out or bury and dull our pain as we are so often inclined to do. We are more likely to really feel everything, the good and the bad.

But here’s where the trust comes in, trusting yourself that when the hurts come, you will survive them and be ok. And faith that the love and light we can feel from being so open is worth it. Faith that we can use the pain or sorrows for learning and growth along with being an accepted part of life and the human experience.

I’ve been doing yoga for over a year now. I love it, my body craves it but it can still be difficult and I am definitely still learning. Some of the poses feel amazing and awesome, some leave me feeling overly stretched and sore and others I don’t feel I have the strength for yet at all. But I still try and every time I roll out my mat, I’m reminded of the quiet strength I do have and how good the time and effort I take to nourish myself this way feels.

This is exactly the same way I feel about living each day with an open heart.

Yes, my heart gets broken. My feelings get hurt. I feel embarrassed and afraid and lonely.

Being willing to live with an open heart is not an easy walk. It can be more than a challenge at times. It is a continual journey of strength, learning and balance. Effort and ease. Much like yoga, a lot like life.

To help along this lightening of spirits, I’ve been thinking of ways to take the time to see the beauty of right now and appreciate what I have and what is instead of what I wish, want or think should be – which really is, at times, the entire cause of unhappiness and unease.

In the spirit of this, I decided to share some of the little things I’m thankful for and that make me smile these days. Oddly enough, I noticed they are all in pairs.

Not sure what that means for now but like it.

Coffee Love

My husband is a coffee snob. It’s ok, he knows. Tired of the grocery store coffee tasting too stale, he started buying bags of whole beans from Starbucks and grinding them at home. As much as it pains me to admit he was right – he was totally right! This coffee is much better, it smells soooo good and I love these cool, shiny jars that now sit on our kitchen counter.

Heavenly Scents

I found these lovelies at Target, opened the jar to smell them and put them directly in my shopping cart. Not only do they look deliciously girlie and pretty on my dresser, just smelling them seems to relax me. The spun sugar is divine! I guess there is some truth to all the aromatherapy stuff after all. Next purchase, something lavender I can put in the bath. That’s another relaxing scent, right? I’m all about it!

The Classics

For many years, I have searched for the elusive brown boot. Plain, no buckles, straps or bling of any kind. Flats, so I could wear them comfortably everywhere and pair them with jeans as well as skirts and dresses. When I found these on sale after Christmas (thank you Nine West!), I made the investment, put them on as soon as I got home and have worn them almost non stop since. I know it’s not good to get too attached to material things and they are only boots but they are my boots, the ones I’ve searched for years for, they are comfortable and go with everything I have. See, I can’t stop going on about them!

Puppy Love

It’s hard to see in the picture but the animal my son has wrapped in the blanket around him is Snoopy. He loved the Charlie Brown Christmas movie so much, I can’t tell you how many times he’s watched it. Since he’s still a blanket baby, I was sure Linus would be his favorite character but all his love went straight to Snoopy. Snoopy now goes everywhere he goes and even waits for him in the car while Lou is at preschool. I just leave him in the car seat because I don’t even know what kind of hell may break loose in the 5 minute drive from school to home if Snoopy isn’t in the car. It’s that kind of love.

It is really sweet though, the way my son will “take care” of Snoopy; he puts him down for naps, shares food with him, watches tv with him and of course, gives him lots of hugs and kisses.

For all his demanding and short tempered 4 year old attitude, that boy has a sweet and kind heart. I have to appreciate his love of the old school cartoons as well.

I hope your spring is starting well, bringing a little more sunshine and a beacon of hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel to these chilly, cabin fever, trapped indoors days!

Soon, we will have running, swinging and having picnics at the park – woohoo! For now, what’s making your heart happy?

I’ve always felt I had a “complicated” family and upbringing if not just plain nontraditional, difficult and really tough at times. But, the more I learn about others, life itself and the illusions we confuse sometimes as normal or what’s suppose to be, I’m thinking things really may not be so unusual after all and certainly could have been a lot worse.

For the past year, I’ve proudly been contributing each month to Kim at Sperk* for Wednesday’s Woman, her awesome dedication to shine a light on positive and inspirational women. In all this time, I’ve never written about anyone personal or from my own life.

Although I actually am a pretty private person, for some reason this pained me a little and I found myself really wanting to share something more personal, closer to my own heart.

And if I know my own mind, it was probably because I didn’t think I could.

My mother was an incredible woman; strong, independent, beautiful and incredibly intelligent. But when I think about her, I also have to deal with the pain and regret that our relationship was not what I wish it would have been. Many times, she was not the mother I truly wanted and needed and I was not the daughter she’d envisioned.

Today, my grandmother is still a kind of mystery to me. She was my caregiver for many years; a warm, loving and patient person but I know so little about her own life. I sometimes ache for the lost opportunity and knowledge of my own family and of a woman who was so kind to me.

I lost them both many years ago, my mother passed away shortly after my 12th birthday and my grandmother shortly after. It feels like too much unresolved, too much pain and loss.

But I do feel both women were incredibly important in my life, definitely inspirational and people that strongly imprinted my soul, taught and continue to guide my path at times.

So I took the plunge and wrote about my mother and grandmother this month and am really glad I did. It helped me appreciate instead of regret, see the good instead of wishing for something else or something more.

This month, my post for Sperk* is about the three of us, the gifts they gave and how they continue to shape me today – Three Generations.